Frenetic Fraulein
by John Bigboote
Summary: A thesis of a cruel angel.


SQUISHY BRAINS MEANT THE EVA PROJECT WAS GOING DOWN THE DRAIN. Asuka screamed in spine-chilling agony as Asrael's reach stretched down through the atmosphere and squeezed her specific mind in its telepathic grip. She pulled her pleather-clad knees up to her chin and frantically grabbed her temples with red gloved fingers in a futile effort to claw the violating alien presence out of her head.

Her cockpit screen was filled with pure white static as Asrael intensified the power of its psychic spotlight. She shrieked and she shrieked and she shrieked as the Angel gouged through her synapses to get the Reader's Digest version of her darkest feelings and memories. Her sense of self and ego began to collapse as everything melted together. The chemical substances of the lobes and gray matter softened and loosened so a second consciousness could comfortably fit inside. The excruciating pressure filling the top of her skull faded as her mind became more malleable.

Then she got used to the new roommate in her head.

While Asrael's mind ray was still focused directly on EVA-02, the unit slowly turned around so it faced EVA-00 and EVA-01. In a display of inhumanly quick reflexes, Asuka ejected the ranged positron cannon mounted on her right arm, opened her left shoulder pylon, and steered her right hand to pull out a combat knife and chuck it in a straight line toward EVA-00's single beady eye.

The blade hit its target dead-on and the blue Evangelion collapsed over backwards as stiff as a giant plank of wood. Rei was screaming bloody murder over the comms in Asuka's ear as her neural interface convinced her an invisible knife was stabbing through her forehead and turning her brains squishy too. Asuka smiled for making things even.

Somewhere in the abstract unknown of the universe, there were two lean hamburgers sitting beside each other on a grill. The hamburger named Asuka's Brains had already been brought to a juicy tantalizing simmer and was ready for serving. The other hamburger named Rei's Brains was just beginning to brown and a spatula was flipping it over so both sides could cook evenly.

With EVA-00 out of the way, EVA-02 charged out of Asrael's spotlight and made a beeline for EVA-01. The purple EVA was frozen in shock and made no effort to defend itself when the blazing fast red EVA threw an uppercut into its rib panels. Unit 1 doubled over with its wind knocked out and exposed the segmented Entry Plug hatch on its back.

Asuka stubbornly wound up EVA-02's right fist and smashed the entire Plug assembly with a single swing. That idiot Shinji was instantly put out of his misery.

* * *

The scene inside Central Dogma had turned into utter chaos, but you wouldn't know it if you were only looking at the top executives. Gendou was leaning forward at his desk and holding his steepled hands in front of his mouth to hide any reaction he was having. Likewise, Fuyutsuki stood with his arms folded behind his back and painted his face with a constant look of unmoved compliance.

Misato, however, was flying up and down the stairs screaming something incomprehensible like a mad woman. She would frantically say something to Ritsuko, who was terrified beyond her own capacity for rational thought and only gave Misato wide-eyed stares. Then Misato would race down the stairs to the technicians' area. She'd get no answers there and just run back to Ritsuko to repeat the cycle again.

The bridge bunnies were boiling in their stew. Shigeru was staring up at the unbelievable things displayed on the viewing deck with his mouth agape. Maya was performing her customary hands-over-face-while-huddling-over-desk-in-despair. Makoto, however, was sitting back in his computer chair with his arms crossed and making a face that looked more disgusted than worried.

"Great. Two weeks ago Unit 4 goes Chernobyl. Last week Basketball Boy learned how to jump. Now Wonder Bitch has a headache. Is this just going to be a thing now?" He shook his head with an exasperated sigh.

* * *

Asuka looked for something to do now that she had no EVAs to take out in record time. Slowly, all four of her unit's eyes turned to the side and set their focus on the exterior of NERV's headquarters. She suddenly had strange idea in her head that someone should stomp the pyramid into a fiery pancake before their umbilical power ran out.

* * *

_Author's note: I added that little foreshadowing tease with the hamburgers because I didn't want to start a fight between the Asuka bros and the Rei nerds. Both of your waifus are getting chumped._


End file.
